The Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich

The first rays of sunshine illuminated the streets, signifying the arrival of a new day. It was already time to get up out of bed. Yet Carolyn continued to bury her head under her pillow, apparently trying her best to pretend to be a turtle and laze about in bed.

“I don’t want to get up; I don’t want to get up. That way, that annoying pile of bones won’t come looking for me.”

Her overly mature appearance and calmly indifferent aura always caused people to forget about Carolyn’s real age; she was still quite young. Since she was born in a high and noble family, she had always had to meet the high requirements expected of her, which was why she seemed to be so mature when dealing with others.

However, since she grew up as an isolated bird in a gilded cage, she was actually quite a simple person. Her favorite hobbies were sewing and reading popular stories about knights. She would cry at parts she was allured by and would pull all-nighters finishing her favorite novels. She was basically no different from an ordinary girl in these aspects.

As for her good social etiquette and conversational skills, that was all thanks to her very hard-working personal tutors. If Carolyn was allowed to do as she pleased, she probably would have acted just like the female leads in certain knight stories and rushed out for an adventure.

But this time, as the daughter of a duke, her father gave her quite a difficult task.

“Carolyn, you’ve probably heard about it as well. The Bardi Empire’s higher-ups want to improve our relationship with the undead. This is the will of the emperor. This time, you have been selected to take the lich Rex on a tour of inspection as an imperial envoy. You have to both help the nobles to establish a good relationship with the undead but also not make the local nobles lose too much face. After all, those that join too early will have a bad reputation.”

Simply speaking, she was requested to carefully control the situation. She had to improve the nobles’ relationship with this lich but also not act too much like a sycophant towards the lich in front of the other human nobles. Originally, as the eldest daughter of a noble family, this level of a political task should have been easy for her. Her personal tutor had long since taught her all types of necessary political skills. However, when she began taking on this task, she discovered that it was much more difficult than she expected.

“…I’ve heard that the Alosi red wine here is quite famous.” (Translation of how nobles always speak in roundabout fashion: You haven’t eaten lunch yet, right? How about having a drink in a bit?)

Alright then. When the lich’s skeletal head stared at her quietly, soulfire burning within, even Carolyn knew that she had made a mistake with her words. However, she was rather dense and not the type to easily give up.

“…I’ve heard that the master tailor Kakarot’s new creations are quite creative, and have received excellent reviews even in the capital. I also heard that he happens to be here in this area right now doing business.” (Translation of noble speak: Your clothes are so old and tattered. How about I accompany you to buy some new clothes?)

The lich Rex looked at his own gray-colored mage robe. This seemingly old and tattered mage robe was enchanted with five different commonly used defensive magics and was incredibly useful. It was also an old companion of his that had been with him for more than a century. Was there really a master enchanter here that could create something better?

But he felt that he should be polite towards a female’s invitation, especially since Carolyn was his companion. He also felt that it would be an excellent opportunity to take a look at the works of human master enchanters, so Rex was actually slightly looking forward to this as he readily agreed.

But the developments that happened afterward make Carolyn feel quite awkward. In the city of Anyingdun’s most flourishing business district, the lich’s hoarse soul voice was loudly shouting “Apart from glowing and self-cleaning, there are no magical defensive effects whatsoever? What garbage enchantments are these! Plus, look at the low quality of these materials! They haven’t even been enhanced or had armor added in!” When everyone looked at them in astonishment, Carolyn, who was with Rex, really wanted to go hide herself in a hole.

Still, Carolyn didn’t give up. And, so, there were many similar such occurrences.

“Have you heard about Auntie Agier’s affair? It’s really interesting; she and her uncle actually…”

Rex’s cyan-colored soulfire kept staring at her. This girl was quite imaginative to try chatting with a lich about gossip regarding humans having extramarital affairs.

“On the day after tomorrow, there’s a charity event… Okay, I got it, I’ll leave now and stop bothering you during your research.”

The soulfire that had turned blue was already the best explanation. Even Rex was getting tired of her. Having a lich go to an orphanage for a charity drive? Was this supposed to be a Halloween event? What type of lame joke was this supposed to be?

Rex was utterly uninterested in chatting about relationships between humans. He was a lot more interested in the topic of how to turn the living into the dead.

What about perverted jokes and gossip? Although, in a way, this was an ultimate technique that Carolyn had up her sleeve to break conventions or an awkward atmosphere with anyone, wouldn’t it just be a type of sarcasm for a lich who had nothing but bones left?

Discuss the international situation or religious beliefs? Are you really sure that you want to shout “For the Holy Light” in front of a lich? She wasn’t that suicidal, and as for international situations… lich Rex’s memories were all from three centuries ago; she would probably have to start from a period long in the Bardi Empire’s past.

As the ultimate evolution of otakus, even if liches were always the classical antagonist in every story, the story’s plot would always be about how some adventuring team ran across a lich’s ancient castle / mage tower / abandoned library. Liches were a classical example of a guardian boss that would never take action or go outside on their own. In a way, this confirmed one of the biggest characteristics of liches—they wouldn’t go outside even if you beat them up, and would want to stay inside forever.

And, from a certain standpoint, the infanta who was in the prime of her youth at seventeen years old was yet another white, rich, and beautiful popular winner in life (someone who had quite a fulfilling life and was very popular). It would obviously be quite difficult for her to communicate with a lich who was the ultimate evolution of an otaku using normal communication methods.

Of course, communication wasn’t impossible. As long as one used topics a lich was interested in, even a research-loving otaku would become extremely talkative. But, as for the topics that liches were interested in…”Fundamentals of Undead Magic Research,” “How to Use Void Energy to Vook Squirrels,” “Which is Better for Creating a Zombie—a Tauren’s Heart or a Tigerman’s Heart?” Carolyn was probably destined to never learn such skills.

“We should look forward to the future as there’s a bright new sun every day—er—dark history.”

Carolyn kept attempting to communicate with Rex and adding new pages of embarrassing dark history. She became so annoying to Rex that he was unable to stand her any more. If he took this for any longer, he might even take the brunt of his superiors’ anger and turn her into a zombie with no more intelligence.

After the frightening night Carolyn experienced yesterday, she learned so much.

First, she witnessed a young-seeming mage knock away the lich Rex with his mage staff while shouting “Hit!” and then he took Earl Samuel hostage with a chicken leg, then he even smeared pudding all over a death knight’s face, escaping in the chaos he created.

Carolyn did her best to control the situation and kept scolding those idiots who dared to make fun of the lich in secret, but when she returned to her room, she kept laughing for half the entire night. However, she was now forced to face reality.

“As I recall, that lich is right in the next room over and I’ve heard that they have extremely sharp senses… Did I make another mistake without realizing it? Ahhh! I don’t want to get out of bed!”

The only part where Carolyn felt slightly reassured about was that Rex seemed to have a good temper. At the very least, he didn’t get angry to the point of killing her off instantly with a flick of his little finger.

The sun was fully up now, and she knew that she would probably have to deal with a furious lich who had lost face yesterday night. If she made a fool out of herself yet again, perhaps that greenish-blue soulfire of his would truly explode.

“Sigh, I really don’t want to go.”

But she had no choice. Her schedule for this trip was tightly packed. After staying here for a little while, she was soon supposed to go to the nearby Baron Matt’s domain. She had to discuss the plans for today’s travels with the lich and leave as early as possible.

But, when Carolyn finished washing up and doing her makeup, the first scene that she saw when she opened her room’s door gave quite the shock to her sense of logic and reason.

In the hallway, that lich she viewed as all-powerful had been torn to pieces. The young mage she saw just yesterday was holding on to the lich’s skeletal head, pouring holy silver and holy water into it and shaking it about as if it were dice. He then even used the lich’s arm bone to reach inside and stir things up.

Why did she know that it was the lich? The lich Rex’s Epic-ranked death gravestone robe was still on its body, and that familiar soulfire was almost extinguished within the skeletal head.

“Are you going to tell me everything? If you don’t, I’m going to use your head as a chamber pot. Yep, I’ll call it Guldan’s—er—Rex’s head! Are you afraid!?” [1]

*Slam!*

Carolyn hurriedly slammed her door, thinking that she must have opened it in a wrong fashion this morning. After a long while, she slowly opened it up a crack.

But just when she reached out her head, she saw that the soulfire within Rex’s head as well as the blonde mage were both looking at her. The blonde mage suddenly laughed, apparently coming to a sudden realization.

“Forget it; it doesn’t matter if you don’t tell me anything. I have an even better target to ask now.”

The young blonde mage tossed away Guldan’s—er—Rex’s head and smiled at her as he randomly picked up a rib bone.

“Don’t close your door anymore. You didn’t open it in a wrong fashion today. Yep, be more serious! Stop laughing! We’re kidnapping you! Stop looking down on this lich’s bone; be careful that I’ll touch you with a lich’s grasp!”

….

“Relax, we’re not here to look for trouble. I have a little plan that might be of assistance in this current situation.”

Let’s turn back time to midnight. In Sindy’s temporary campgrounds, when the young man before him said that he had a plan that could take care of everything, nobody really believed him.

After all, the current situation was quite obvious already. The Veji Merchant Association had obtained through its intelligence channels that the Lagraz Kingdom and Bardi Empire were now formally at war. This was far worse than the worst outcome that the Veji Merchant Association had been expecting.

“…What I originally thought was that we would meet with some black-hearted domain lord that wanted too much of a kickback or that we’d run into an undead army. In that case, I’d just have to hire extra guards, and we’d all be able to escape with no problems. But now, the two countries are actually at war…”

The moment the Lagraz Kingdom declared war against the Bardi Empire, it gave a huge amount of trouble to all Lagraz citizens currently within the Bardi Empire. They naturally found themselves within an enemy country. While it may sound cool to fight while surrounded on all sides, it definitely wouldn’t be any fun whatsoever when even the street-side vendors and little snot-nosed brats viewed you as a mortal enemy.

And, the most troublesome part of all was that the enemies were no longer disorganized bandits but an entire empire’s elite military forces. It was especially so when you consider the fact that strong countries’ border forces would always be their best elites—even crossing the border became an insurmountable obstacle.

I casually spread out a map and pointed at a location south of us. This location was the Asa canyon that we had passed through, which was also the largest location at which one could pass between the two countries. Of course, this location also had Fort Haslaiven, which belonged to the Bardi Empire.

On our way here, we had passed through easily—even with someone with such a suspicious identity like me. All it took was a little bribing, as the Veji Merchant Association already had a good relationship with the border guards to begin with. But if we took that same road back… it would probably be filled with peril.

Taking a few bribes and turning a blind eye to a few illegal merchants during peacetime was an entirely different matter to allowing foreign merchants from an enemy country to pass through during wartime. The former was unanimously understood as a way to make extra money, while the latter was likely to get people labeled as traitors to the country. After all, nobody would be able to guarantee that there weren’t spies or intelligence division members within this merchant group.

If we still foolishly contacted that border guard captain who helped us out earlier, then perhaps he would be the first to prepare for our executions. No matter how much gold there was to be offered to him he still needed to be alive to enjoy it. He would probably be the first to try and erase all connections he had with us.

“…Going back is definitely impossible, but the situation is the same if you go to any other part of the Bardi Empire’s border. Of course, there are some places on the border that are undefended, but those are highly dangerous areas or filled with either natural obstacles. For example, the Fantasy Forest is rumored to be the home of black fairies. I believe that none of you are foolish enough to gamble on passing through it. No—with your equipment and power levels, entering such a mega-dangerous area isn’t even a gamble. It’s simply suicide.”

Although none of them answered me, judging by their awkward silence, the astonishment that they were unable to hide, and the muffled sounds of discussion amongst themselves, I had been on the mark.

“In that case it’s quite easy. There are basically two choices left. Either you try and get past the border at some other location, reach another country, and then think of a method to return to Lagraz, or you just hide out in some mountain, village, or forest and wait for the situation to change. Yet the only possibility for you is the more passive option; you all can only choose the second one.”

Even Sindy was unable to hide his astonishment when he heard this. Everything had happened so suddenly, and he had just received the intelligence report about it. He hadn’t even come to a final decision when I already saw through his dilemma.

“It’s actually easy to guess why. It’s quite simple, since the former plan has greater risk to it. If you want to reach another country’s border, you’ll have to move around within the Bardi Empire. In this situation where the Bardi Empire is now on high alert, every location will be guarded heavily and roaming around in an enemy country without sufficient information as backup is far too risky. If you’re caught by any military squad, that’ll basically be the end of you. But if this method is unusable, none of you will probably be able to return home any time soon.”

Everyone fell into an awkward silence; they had all realized this, but none of them had been willing to mention it.

“…But have you thought about it? Finding a place to hide out and observe the situation may appear safer but it’s actually the most dangerous method of all. As a mega-empire, do you really believe that the Bardi Empire won’t have that level of control over its own lands? And the Bardi Empire is quite famous even with other countries for having an outstanding intelligence division. You can hide, but how long do you think you can hide for? The worst mistake that you made was that you’re still thinking of protecting your cargo. You actually dared to run together with your cargo? Do you think that local domain lord Earl Samuel will let go of a fat lamb like you guys?”

I saw that they were obviously shaken, so of course I took advantage of this and made my case.

“No! He definitely wouldn’t! Based on my understanding of greedy nobles, he’ll definitely come hunting you guys down like a rabid dog, and he’ll claim all your cargo for himself. After that, he’ll send in all of your heads as spies and claim his reward. And based on the current situation, he probably doesn’t even need to contact the empire’s higher-ups for assistance from professional spies. All he has to do is follow your merchant group’s carriage tracks. Perhaps they’re already on the way as we speak.”

I intentionally paused for a moment here. As I expected, everyone looked in Sindy’s direction, and it was quite evident that they were dissatisfied and angry.

As a merchant, Sindy’s insistence on taking the cargo while escaping already made the mercenaries rather displeased. But the person paying them was the boss, and unless they were forced to the brink the mercenaries didn’t want to disobey their employer’s command—that would ruin their reputation, which was ever so difficult to accumulate.

Yet nobody was an idiot here. These details weren’t difficult to think of. It was just that the situation was too sudden, and there had been too little time for them to consider things, which was why they had been so careless. Even if I didn’t mention this little detail, someone probably would have thought of it soon enough.

At such a time, there would definitely be a conflict between the mercenaries and the merchant Sindy. No matter if Sindy decided to throw away his cargo or if the mercenaries decided to gamble on being able to protect Sindy, there would definitely be seeds of discontent sowed between the parties in the end.

“…That’s why, I’m saying that if I have a method that can both protect your cargo and safely help you leave the Bardi Empire, will you all listen to me?”

Well, I’m going to end this reminiscing of mine for now. I had succeeded in convincing them all. After just showing off a slight portion of my true power, the mercenaries unhesitatingly decided to follow my command. And now, our first step was to eliminate the threat right in front of us before directly beginning a counterattack.

Perhaps Earl Samuel would never even dream that the merchant group his soldiers had been chasing down all last night would come back and attack him the very next day.

“An Epic-ranked mage robe? Oh my, it’s even enchanted with ‘Ironskin Magic’ and ‘Dimensional Door.’ Little lich, while your power level isn’t much, this is really nice equipment you have here.”

I tried putting on Rex’s mage robe as I adjusted the time distortion ring on my finger. I changed myself from a youth to middle-aged, from middle-aged to elderly, and then from elderly to… after death!

Yep, although this ring was able to change my physical appearance on the outside, it couldn’t change what I actually was. I was still someone living, but I now appeared to be nothing but bones that contained rotting flesh. I ended up with the appearance of a moving skeleton.

What slightly surprised me was that the little girl Carolyn watched the entire scene of a living person turning into the undead—a scene that should appear rather frightening—yet not only did she not get scared to the point of peeing in her pants, but she was actually quite excited. It was as if she was delighted to meet with such a major incident.

“Are you going to disguise yourself as Lord Rex? Is it just like the situation in the knight story ‘Masked Knights?’ But, you don’t have soulfire or death magic, so wouldn’t it be quite easy to see through you?”

“What a strange little girl you are. Come, take another look.”

I concentrated and lit up the fires within my eyes, which burned with the cyan-green color of soulfire. My right hand, which appeared only to be a skeleton’s hand, snapped its fingers, causing countless skeletons to appear, shrouded in black mist.

I laughed as I enveloped myself in a thick amount of death magic. Waves of ice also started dancing between my fingers. The real lich who was floating in midair began roaring soundlessly at me. My disguise resembled a great lich more than Rex himself now.

“It’s so interesting… I meant this is so evil. Although I don’t know how you did it, your disguise is basically perfect; it’ll definitely succeed. What do you intend to do next? Threaten me to listen to your orders and help you in pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes? I need to inform you first that I won’t give in so easily. I don’t care no matter what you do to my body, but as long as you threaten my family, I’ll instantly surrender.”

I was rendered speechless. Did she mean that I didn’t need to do anything to her other than verbally threaten her a little? She even volunteered how to make her surrender?! What type of hostage was she supposed to be?

“…Relax, we have a better choice than you. From today onwards, she’s going to be Carolyn A. Milan.”

A female walked out of the shadows. She, too, had light-green hair, the characteristic of the Bardi Milan Royal Family. Her face even resembled Carolyn to a degree of seventy percent!

“Even if you really look like me, that still won’t be good enough. I have a secret treasure of the royalty which the emperor gave to me. Only the Milan bloodline can make it glow—eh? Why is it glowing even brighter than when I hold on to it?!”

Carolyn’s necklace was stolen out of her hands by the other woman and was currently glowing brightly, as if it was a God Equipment that had met its true master. Only when Lilith Milan carefully put that necklace on her neck did the pearl necklace slowly reduce its glow.

“…If you don’t finish the process of kidnapping me properly, and if you don’t even try threatening me, I definitely won’t tell you anything that you want to know!”

Just as I was now one hundred percent certain that something was wrong with this little girl’s head, Lilith suddenly revealed a dangerous-seeming smile filled with an evil allure as she approached closer.

“Rest assured, you shall tell me everything…”

Her slender fingers were already beginning to take off Carolyn’s clothing, as her red lips and sweet tongue were reaching for Carolyn’s shoulders and neck. Meanwhile, Lilith’s other hand was already sliding towards somewhere even lower to a place that shall not be named.

“W—w—what are you doing?!! This is totally different from the stories; how improper! You can change to someone else…”

“Aren’t I asking you right now? I’m asking your body… mmm, not bad. It’s unexpectedly tasty. I truly met a rare one, here. My lord, although I don’t object to you watching me dine here, nor do I object if you’re interested in joining in, aren’t you worried about Lady Harloys reporting about this to Lady Elisa?”

Alright then, I was filled with regret. I had almost asked “Can I really join in?”, but I was being glared at with an expression that said, “You’re in the way.” It was evident that her “invitation” was nothing more than just a “joke.”

Although I really regretted not being able to watch the show that would come next, I could only helplessly pick up Rex’s head as I left. The heart-itching moans that came from behind me were so difficult for me to forget…

“Hmph! Women may have their ways of communicating, but we have lich-to-lich communication as well! For example, soul torture, soul-searching magic, and psychological attacks!”

Note:

1. Guldan is a WoW/Hearthstone reference.