The Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich

The girl’s exquisite face contained hints of anger, and under her bushy eyebrows were eyes that seemed to contain heroic spirit. Those sapphire blue eyes and baby pink skin made quite the excellent pair, and simply looking at her appearance, which resembled a drawing, would help the mind to calm down.

This twelve or thirteen-year-old girl didn’t possess obvious curves yet, and her ponytail even made her appear boyish. Her pose seemed to possess a certain power to it, as if she had really received combat training before. The military atmosphere about her made her seem not as soft as her outer appearance would suggest.

She was wearing pink armor and a gem-studded fancy sword that obviously seemed precious. This rapier was obviously too exquisite and not suitable for the battlefield, and she had two battle flags seemingly randomly stuck behind her back. At the current moment, this girl in extravagant clothing was pouting with an expression filled with dissatisfaction.

“Ahaha! Roland, this looks great on you. You’re acting as the beautiful Princess Peach. Hahaha!”

“The same goes for you, Adam. That dress looks wonderful on you, maid Annienie.”

Currently, Adam was wearing black-and-white maid’s dress, complete with a blonde wig. The dress seemed to cover his thick legs, but it was unable to complete cover up how muscular he was, not to mention that the rough makeup on him obviously made him even uglier.

After hurling insults at each other, Adam and I glared angrily as he whipped out his broom and I unsheathed my decorative rapier, about to vent our dissatisfaction upon each other in battle. It was then that an angry shout came from behind us.

“It’s almost time to begin the play. If you tear your acting clothes, then you’re going on stage as your real selves and real names.”

The two of us exchanged glances filled with wry smiles and we lost all of our energy. Both of us were unlucky people being cooked on a fire, so why were we struggling with each other? Was there any meaning in the pot calling the kettle black?

“At the very least, I still have it better than you. With how I look, it’s quite obvious that I’m a man who’s dressed like this for comic purposes.”

Alright then, it seemed that there was indeed someone who felt it was quite fun. Even though he was wearing maid attire and lipstick while showing off his muscles, he was still trying to display his so-called masculinity.

“Yep, be careful that you’ll be recognized, which will be even more interesting. The headlines tomorrow will say, “What a shocker, the Red Lotus Sword Saint actually likes to wear female clothing!”

“Then we shall die together! I will tell everyone that the main actor of ‘Princess Peach’s Adventure In Another Dimension’ is actually you, Roland!”

“Haha! Do you think that anyone will believe you?”

“Ha, do you think that anyone will believe that I’m like this?”

When I looked in the mirror, even I was scared by the beautiful girl I saw within it. But as I said so right now, I was actually dripping blood in my heart.

Right before us was Diffindor’s largest auditorium plaza. In order to celebrate the Day of Peace, the royalty was going to put on a fantasy-themed large-scale performance, “Princess Peach’s Adventure In Another Dimension,” which any person in Diffindor could watch for free. After this news spread, the locals, who lacked entertainment options, were quite attracted by this thought and came flocking in droves.

Alright, I might as well tell the truth. Due to a certain reason involving an attempt to secretly stash some books, we accidentally caused everyone to be angry with us, and in the end, in order to appease everyone’s anger, we were forced to put on acting costumes and become the main character and a side character of this play. Not to mention they were female…

“Why am I the female lead, while Adam is nothing but a side character in the background!? He barely has any lines at all! What’s with this obvious difference in treatment!?”

“That’s because we’re supposed to be punishing him, not the audience. Just look at his appearance… As for you, that’s because you’re pretty much always the main perpetrator; also, did you really think that I didn’t know about what you did in the Earth Elemental Plane? Did you think that spending a few extra days there would be enough for me to slowly calm down? Do a good job acting, otherwise… heh heh, you understand.”

Elisa’s cold chuckling was still in my ears, and what made her evil intentions all the more obvious was the fact that the person who wrote this play was Elisa. Perhaps she was already fully prepared to take revenge upon me, and not only that—she was even low enough to take hostages.

“Oh! No! Please let those children go! They’re innocent!”

“That depends on your behavior. Hmph! I really don’t understand why men like these things, even though they’re clearly fake…”

“No, those aren’t fake at all; it’s true artwork. It’s the perfect artistry that comes from life but is even better than reality; it’s what countless men can only dream about obtaining. Do you know just how much effort I spent in obtaining all this art? It’s the accumulation of over one hundred years, the culmination of countless master artists’ painstaking efforts! It’s a totally unique precious artwork in the world!”

Upon hearing this, Adam was evidently surprised as well.

“…No wonder it looked so familiar. Last time, when you shared the ‘Perverted Earl and His 36 Concubines’ with me, could have that been the work of the classical scenery artist from one hundred and seventy years ago? His style is truly too unique, and he actually began drawing people? Even a series of drawings!?”

“Ah, as expected, you understand. Back in the day, I spent more than two months in order to eliminate the bandits that had a grudge against him. Seeing how hard I worked for his sake, he agreed to make an exception for me. What do you think? It’s awesome, right!”

“It’s not only awesome! It’s practically the best in the world! I never expected for the style of drawing scenery, when used on a beautiful woman’s body, to have such an effect. He actually made 2-D appear 3-D—it looks so real! Margaret is one of his loyal fans; she’s even collected two of his drawings. If she finds out that you actually made a master artist draw these… for the sake of these children, we definitely can’t allow her to find out!”

“Hmph! Art is supposed to be a reflection of reality. Those who think they’re too high and mighty to draw such things are in the wrong. It’s quite obvious that any works of art that are too abstract won’t be liked by anyone, but they still get angry at the viewers and claim that they don’t know how to appreciate art. How could that be explained except by having mush for brains?”

“I feel like you’re mysteriously making fun of something again… Did you obtain all of your special collection like this?”

“Of course. Each and every work in my collection is a precious work of art that’s passed the test of time, and they’re all the crystallizations of the life work of master artists. I spent much effort in obtaining them all.”

“Roland, you’re a real man!”

I ignored Adam, who was making mountains out of molehills, and made a pleading expression towards Elisa. I was hoping that she would see how all these children of mine were the cream of the crop in the field of art, and that she would let them go.

“Please let these children go. They’re even more important to me than my life; if there’s anything you have against me, then come at me !”

However, the demon girl smiled. Her smile was quite sweet yet also cold.

“…Artwork? More important than your life? You deserve to be single for the rest of your life!”

Elisa then furiously left, leaving behind only one final threat.

“You want those things of yours back? Sure, but it depends on your acting performance. This is a script that I wrote specially for you, so make sure to enjoy it.”

“Long, long ago, Demon King Shaba from the Demon Island took his demon soldiers and rampaged through the world. Meanwhile, our heroine, Princess Peach, was determined to defeat the Demon King as she embarked on a journey alone…”

Even though I was still filled with nervousness, the beginning of the narrator’s speech and everyone’s applause were indicators of the fact that it was now time for me to go on stage.

I went over my lines one last time. This script seemed like it was a magical version of “Momotaro,” [1] the fairy tale I had told the most to Elisa when she was younger. The lines seemed normal as well, and I thought about how nobody would likely want to destroy their own childhood dreams, and I managed to relax slightly.

“Wow! Such a beautiful little girl!”

“…She looks a little like Princess Reyne, but she’s obviously younger. Is she Princess Reyne’s distant relative?”

I took a deep breath and ignored the distractions before me as I unsheathed my ceremonial rapier and spoke the lines that I had previously memorized.

“Sigh. Demon King Shaba is far too strong, and I’ll never be able to defeat him by myself. Are there no other brave warriors that are willing to help me?”

“…As long as you give me a colored flag, I’m willing to become your subordinate and fight the Demon King together with you!”

It was here. Based on the script, Princess Peach would gather three subordinates, a monkey, a dog, and a rooster. It seemed that Elisa didn’t randomly modify the script after all. This was probably going to be the scheduled appearance of my first subordinate, the “monkey.”

As I was sighing at having misinterpreted Elisa’s intentions, I turned to look at the person who was speaking.

“Ptui!”

A tall figure blocked out even the sunlight above me. All I could see were golden muscles glistening with an oily sheen.

This was a super muscular man wearing nothing but a thong. Every one of his moves were calculated to show off his shiny muscles that were covered in sweat drops under the sunlight, making everyone feel like they were hot. Not only that, but his clean face currently had a mysterious red blush.

“Omar—Omar—Omar is so happy to be able to act together with father!”

This muscular man, who had such a brawny appearance and a delicate face, was so excited that he couldn’t help but roar in a low voice. All his muscles were even twitching disgustingly. I silently backed up two spaces and drew my sword once more.

“Haha!”

Yep, the person before me who seemed like nothing more than a pervert was the highest-ranking authority of the Xiluo Empire. While I had indeed invited him to my celebration, I never expected him to give me such a “nice surprise.”

There was a monkey tail added to the back of Omar’s thong, and he was wearing a strange monkey ear hat. It seemed that he was the “monkey subordinate” in this play.

“Ahh! What is that!”

“Mommy, it’s Superman!”

“Sweetie, behave! Don’t point at him! That’s not Superman; that’s a pervert. Remember, if you ever meet him on the street, call Town Security.”

“…I’m going blind! I guess it’s true after all that nothing good comes free? Is there still time to run away now?”

Just Omar’s appearance alone on stage along with the huge contrast between his muscular body and his beautiful face caused many pitiful wails from the audience.

I understood how it was now. Perhaps the script was normal, and the lines were normal as well, but if the performers were a group of gentlemen, then this play was never destined to be normal to begin with.

Now, however, it was too late for me to stop. I supposed I might as well grit my teeth and continue with this farce the best I could.

That was why, several minutes later, when I saw an archdruid transform into something resembling a rooster, I wasn’t astonished at all.

“Isn’t that Divine Bird Feifei? Alright then, at least he remembered to wear clothes this time. That’s progress.”

“No, father, take a closer look! His ‘shirt’ and ‘pants’ are all feathers that he transformed himself into. As expected of Ah Birdie, he actually dares to perform all naked on stage, and is even being accepted by everyone so naturally! As expected of a mega performer from the Wild Bull School!”

It was now that I finally empathized with what Elisa must have felt when I differed with her opinion of ‘artistry.’

Well, I could only helplessly follow the script. I took off my outer shirt and tossed it to this “rooster” as we continued on our journey to defeat the Demon King.

“Now that she’s gathered two companions, Princess Peach began fighting fiercely against the demons, but with only the three of them, their strength was still insufficient. However, when they were in the midst of their greatest frustrations, they met their most loyal retainer in a small village…”

I nodded when I heard this. Since there were already a monkey and rooster, there was a dog still remaining. I hoped that this time, the person who played the role of the ‘loyal dog’ wouldn’t be too ridiculous.

“…A Tauren Demon King from a different dimension!”

“Ptui!”

I still underestimated a certain person’s desire for revenge against me. Even though I had mentally prepared myself, the script went in an even more ridiculous direction than what I expected. The highest priest of the Church of Law put a bronze mask on his face as he appeared on the stage in a similar fashion to the two before him. At the very least, he remembered to wear a thong.

*Bang!*

The three pairs of large and meaty hands clutched on to each other, and their three pairs of eyes had passionate flames burning within them. However, all I could see in front of me were shiny muscles.

“Brothers!”

“Bros!”

“Muscles!”

And so, under the moonlight, the three gays—er—three good brothers reaffirmed their friendship. The burning passion of friendship was ignited within them, and the sweat flying off them possessed the smell of youth. Meanwhile, the people below the stage were already beginning to cry in despair and pitifully attempt to escape. Nobody would want to watch this type of drama where someone would have to be forced to watch in order to stay. Since it had already come to this point, everyone knew that whatever developments came next would be equally ridiculous.

“Cough! Cough!”

I did my best to suppress my urge to spit blood. Since it had already come to this, we might as well finish no matter how stupid it was.

“Muscle explosion!”

A certain muscular man jumped up and used his pectorals to explode a pitiful dragon knight actor (please forgive us, my royal knights who are acting in this play).

“Tauren hug!”

A certain naked-loving tauren furiously rushed towards the pitiful dragon knights B and C and hugged them. They, unfortunately, seemed like they were about to choke to death, and begged me with their expressions to save them, but the current me only wanted to hide in a corner of the stage and shiver.

“Feather shot!”

This “Divine Bird Feifei” was capable of using his own feathers as projectiles and was now even more naked. He smiled in even greater delight. His opponent was even happier as he rolled off the stage and celebrated his survival the moment he successfully escaped.

With these three gentlemen of the moon attacking, every demon, devil, and so on were instantly KO’d. The only side effect was that…

“All those demons are so pitiful…”

“The three perverts are too strong. Urgh! So disgusting.”

“Middle-ranked sub-boss D, hurry up and surrender. It’s not your fault for not working hard enough; your opponent is simply too ridiculous.”

“Bastards! Let go of that poor demon!”

Alright, the remaining spectators had actually begun to take pity on the evil demon army. Under the best-effort performance of Princess Peach’s three loyal subordinates, Princess Peach and her three servants had imperceptibly become the evil side.

“Ad… Annienie, it’s time for your day of doom! Ha! Did you think that you could escape my all-seeing eye simply by disguising yourself as an ordinary maid? You evil demon army spy, I’ve long since seen through your identity!”

I angrily roared as I sliced towards the corner of the wall where a certain person was doing his best to reduce his own presence, pulling him out into the open.

*Boom!*

My sword clashed against his broom, but we were actually communicating our complaints against each other.

“Even though there’s clearly no part for me here, you dared to change the lines? Isn’t it enough for you to die out there by yourself? Why are you pulling me into it?!”

“You want to survive this by yourself? Don’t even think about it!”

Alright then, the “Princess Peach” and the “maid spy” started practicing swordsmanship with each other for the first time in a long while, while the rooster, monkey, and cow trio continued abusing the poor demons and the spectators mysteriously began heating up passionately.

“Amazing swordsmanship!”

“Although I can’t understand what I’m watching, it seems incredible and interesting!”

“Fight! Demon army, defeat those three perverts!”

“Maid, don’t lose!”

Amongst all the chaos, the script kept continuing on. The major antagonist of the story, Demon King Shaba arrived. The moment ‘he’ spoke, everything became quiet.

“Ah, as a proponent of peace, this scene before me is truly heartbreaking. Right, I have an idea that can resolve everything… My lovely Princess Peach, please marry me. I shall bring you bliss. As long as we become one family, then there shall be no more conflict.”

“Elisa! What are you doing!”

Seeing the way Elisa wore a prince’s costume and demon horns as she stepped onto the stage, and the way she bowed as she proposed marriage to me scared me so much that I broke out into a cold sweat.

“I…”

My mind was already completely blank. Director, just what did you intend to do with this script?

How was I supposed to act now? Accept? Or follow the script and begin battling? Heavens, the script didn’t have this part.

“No, Princess Peach belongs to me, the necrophile prince!”

Alright, the newly arrived pumpkin carriage brought even more uncertainty. When Prince Amelia arrived clad in princely attire, there were countless shrieks of surprise, and when she also got on one knee and proposed to me, the black cat on her shoulder was already uncontrollably rolling around in laughter.

“No! Little Sister Peach belongs to me, Princess Apple! As long as true love exists, even if we’re blood related sisters, it doesn’t matter!”

“Reyne! You damned brat, why are you joining in as well!”

Note:

1. According to Wikipedia, Momotarō (桃太郎, “Peach Boy”) is a popular hero of Japanese folklore originating from Okayama Prefecture.