Joy of Life

Wan’er took the bowl and left the room. Fan Xian looked at Sisi lying in the bed and gently said, “Rest well.”

Usually, Sisi slept in a bedroom in the back of the Fan manor. However, the doctor had discovered her condition, so Lady Liu made the decision to clear out a few comfortable rooms and had her move in.

Fan Xian twisted his head to look at the decorations in the room and felt a quiet gratitude toward Lady Liu. He looked again at Sisi’s pale face and felt a sense of apology. In a light voice, he said, “It’s my wrong to have been the last person to know.”

As the head of the family, Fan Xian should be showing a gentle and joyful side, and saying things that would assure the pregnant woman and put her at ease. However, after saying a few words, he became stuck and just looked dumbly at Sisi’s face, unable to speak for a moment.

After a moment of silence, Sisi bit her lip and said with slightly red-rimmed eyes, “Young master, I can see you’re not happy.”

“How can I not be happy?” Fan Xian jumped in fright and forced a smile. “Mostly because it’s too sudden. I wasn’t prepared at all.”

He picked up the girl’s hand and squeezed it warmly. He smiled slightly and said, “In my heart, you are still that girl who stood by my side stirring the ink and adding incense. It always feels like not much time has passed and we haven’t left Danzhou for very long. Yet, you’re about to become the mother of our child.”

“We’ve already left Danzhou three years now, my muddle-headed young master.”

Sisi’s tears turned into laughter. Half leaning on the bed, she gazed at him warmly. Regardless of whether they were traveling and living together in Jiangnan or after she formally crossed the threshold in Danzhou, she still habitually called Fan Xian “young master” and did not change it.

“I probably won’t be prepared even when I’m an old man.” Fan Xian tenderly patted her hand. “Being a father is indeed rather terrifying.”

“You can do anything...besides, having children is women’s business.”

“I can do anything? Having children is women’s business, but teaching children is men’s business. Raising a child is much more difficult than writing poetry and killing people.”

Fan Xian smiled self-mockingly and stretched a hand under the blanket to carefully stroke Sisi’s slightly protruding abdomen. He couldn’t help blaming himself. “Earlier, father said it’s already been four months. Why didn’t you tell me? Even if you’re shy, you have to at least tell the Mistress.”

Sisi felt the palm of his hand moving over her abdomen, and her face blushed slightly red. She pulled the blanket up to her chin and said in a slightly scared voice, “I was afraid...I was afraid it was fake.”

“There is no real and fake when having a child.” Fan Xian closed his eyes and felt the movement beneath his palms. Some complicated emotions grew in his heart. There was some joy and some terror. With a slight ache, he thought, It was his child in there?

He was truly unable to accept, for a moment, the reality that he was going to be a father. The terror completely surpassed the joy. Fortunately, at this time, his state of mind was clear, so he didn’t show this in front of Sisi. Otherwise, as a first-time mother, Sisi would certainly hate him.

Fan Xian scratched his head in some irritation and said, “What should I do now?”

Sisi couldn’t help but splutter with laughter. “Young master, of course, you do what you need to do. Eat when you need to eat and sleep when you need to sleep. You can’t guard me every day just because I’m with child.”

Fan Xian suddenly stretched out his hand and turned over Sisi’s wrist. He placed his fingers on top, closed his eyes, and tilted his head slightly to listen closely to her pulse.

At this moment, Wan’er happened to walk in. Seeing that her husband was checking Sisi’s pulse, she opened her eyes wide and asked curiously, “Is it a boy or a girl?”

Fan Xian slowly moved his finger away and laughed. “It’s not that easy to tell, do you think my finger is an ultrasound scanner?”

“Must grasp [JW1] ?” Hearing this new vocabulary, Wan’er and Sisi furrowed their brows at the same time in confusion.

Fan Xian coughed and reminded Sisi of the daily things she should be careful of, particularly to not catch a cold. Then, he walked outside the door and called the Teng wife over and carefully gave her some instructions. For servants and such, she should find healthy ones. As for food, it should not be just fish and meats, so Fan Xian picked out a few healthy dishes.

“Does the estate have goat’s milk?”

The Teng wife nodded excitedly. Sisi was pregnant with the first grandchild of the Fan family, so the servants couldn’t help but be excited.

Receiving an affirmative response, Fan Xian said, “A bowl a day. It must be heated to a rolling boil.”

Inside the room, Sisi was nestled against Wan’er side and said unhappily, “I don’t like drinking goat’s milk.”

Lin Wan’er thought for a bit. When she was ill with the lung disease, she had also been forced by Fan Xian each day to drink goat’s milk. That kind of rank odor was difficult to endure. She couldn’t help but laugh and said, in the direction of the door, “Perhaps goat’s milk is some kind of magical medicine?”

Fan Xian turned back and smiled, “Although it’s not a magical pill, it is a very good thing. However, the odor is a bit strong. Sisi, you have to endure it and persist in drinking it.”

Lin Wan’er suddenly thought of the idea Siqi had before and happily said, “Have Siqi do this. I don’t know if she put in almonds or jasmine tea, but the light bitterness actually completely hides the odor.”

Hearing that Siqi was going to serve her food, Sisi, who was leaning on the bed, felt uneasy. Originally, she had been a serving girl of the same rank as Siqi. Now that she was with child, her treatment had suddenly been elevated a great deal. She truly could not bear this burden and was terrified that everyone in the manor would gossip about her. She involuntarily wanted to open her mouth to reject it.

Fan Xian waved his hand and said, “There is not as much illusory etiquette in the back of the manor. While you were a serving girl, didn’t I still massage your back? Just let Siqi work a bit harder. However, I’m just not sure if this method will work.”

Sisi’s face flushed as she saw Siqi’s pleased face suddenly appear outside the door. The girl smiled and said, “Of course, this method works as long as you filter the tea leaves out with a cloth. Back then, I made the Miss’s goat’s milk every day.”

Wan’er smiled and glanced at her. “Look at how pleased you are.”

Sisi persisted in calling Fan Xian “young master” while Siqi persisted in calling Wan’er “Miss.” The master and mistress in his family, in addition to these two girls, did indeed use strange titles. Probably only Fan Xian, who had experience in a previous life, would be so blasé about such matters. Fortunately, these three women were all able to keep up with him. This was a great blessing.

“During the day, you need to get lots of sun. Don’t believe the nonsense the midwives say. If you don’t get air, you’ll suffocate in the room.” Fan Xian suddenly thought of something and spoke very seriously to the Teng wife and Wan’er. He knew that if Lady Liu suddenly took it upon herself to supervise, only these two people could speak on Sisi’s behalf.

“Ptooey. Ptooey...” The Teng wife quickly spat twice and said. “Today is a happy day. How could you say that word?”

Fan Xian couldn’t be bothered to acknowledge her and said, minding his own business, “There has to be enough fruits and vegetables, these cannot be lacking.” Turning his head back, he said to Sisi, “When you don’t want to eat, you still have to eat...have some small snacks. Have the girls do it.”

“Enough, enough.” The Teng wife had thick skin and took it on herself to block Fan Xian’s mouth. “After all, this is the first one. There will be plenty more children and grandchildren in the future. If you are always this chatty, you’re going to be the death of us servants.”

Fan Xian said a few more comforting words to Sisi and told her a few jokes to have her relax. He then took Wan’er’s little hand and left the room. The two of them wandered aimlessly in the back garden. Along the way, they saw some capable servants rushing toward them. Seeing them, they quickly bowed respectfully, but their expression’s revealed a glimmer of awkwardness.

“What are they all doing?” Fan Xian furrowed his brows.

Wan’er smiled and said, “These people are going to offer congratulations to Sisi, so, of course, they would feel a bit awkward seeing me.”

“What is there to be awkward about?” Fan Xian wasn’t stupid to this extent, but he was worried that Wan’er truly had a knot in her heart and purposely asked.

Wan’er glared at him and leaned her head against his shoulder. In a quiet voice, she said, “What do you think?”

Fan Xian patted her chubby cheeks and smiled slightly. “So are you truly happy or pretending to be happy?”

The calm of a mistress appeared on her still childish face. She repeated the same words. “What do you think?”

“Am I truly nervous?” Fan Xian led Wan’er by the hand to sit down on a stone bench by the rock garden and held her in his lap. This place was quiet and very few servants passed by. Although Wan’er was slightly embarrassed, she let him do what he wanted.

“Be careful, it’s cold.”

Wan’er reproached and then suddenly thought of what he asked. After thinking for a while, she raised her head and gazed at him with those watery eyes. A moment later, she said, seriously, “That is what I wanted to ask you. Why don’t you look that happy? Furthermore, you seem a bit tense and afraid. What are you worried about? Are you truly worried about how I feel? You should know I’m not like that.”

Fan Xian shook his head. Smiling, he tightened his hold on her and said, after a moment’s consideration, “I also don’t know. Perhaps I just wasn’t mentally prepared to be a father.”

“What preparations are needed?” Wan’er was long used to her husband thinking very differently than other men in this world and asked curiously.

“For example...can I create a good environment for the next generation to grow up in?”

Wan’er smiled slightly and said, “Don’t think about anything too far ahead for now. What I am very curious about is whether it’s a boy or a girl in Sisi’s belly.”

“Didn’t I say earlier...”

“Yes, you are unable to calculate the odds.”

“The phrase ‘calculate the odds’ is used very cleverly.”

“Then do you want a boy or a girl?”

“Girl,” Fan Xian said unhesitatingly.

Lin Wan’er looked at him with doubt and only understood something a moment later. She sighed and said, “No wonder you’re not happy after knowing you’re going to have a child...presumably, you don’t feel like Sisi is a girl anymore.”

Fan Xian was confused and asked in a daze, “Why do you think this?”

“Girls are pearls. After they have children and gradually grow old, they become fish eyeballs. But, you...like pearls, even to just look at and not play with.” Lin Wan’er smiled. “This is something you’ve written before, so don’t deny it.”

Fan Xian smiled self-mockingly. This was Cao Gong’s opinion. Although it was somewhat close to what he thought, this was not the real reason he was unable to be happy after learning he had descendants.

“But even if I do change into a fish eyeball, I still want to have children for you.” Lin Wan’er gazed at him in a daze and gently bit her lip. She spoke softly but with strength.

Fan Xian smiled and nodded. Suddenly serious, he said, “I know there are some rather strange rules in this world, for example, children by the concubine have to call the wife mother and some are even raised from a young age by the wife with little opportunity to see their true mother’s face.”

Lin Wan’er looked at him and furrowed her brows slightly. She vaguely guessed what he wanted to say.

“Although all the large families are like this,” Fan Xian looked at her very seriously, “we will not be like this.”

It was not a request or a suggestion. It was a notification that could not be rejected. They would not be like this.

Fan Xian had not wanted to say such serious things at this time to disturb Wan’er’s already difficult to suppress envy, however, after watching “The Big Family” in the sickroom in his previous life, he had truly been scarred by the middle-aged fish eyeball scum that Gao Wa had acted as.

Wan’er nodded. A glimmer of unhappiness flashed through her eyes and she slowly said, “I understand what you mean.”

“Don’t be hurt.” After Fan Xian was silent for a moment, he smiled broadly and said, “You’ve seen all the changes I’ve made to that medicine during the half year in Hangzhou. Furthermore, most importantly...tomorrow, Sir Fei is coming. Since he dares to come to see us, he has good things to give us.”

The delicate and soft body in his embrace suddenly shook. Lin Wan’er didn’t dare meet his eyes and said with happy surprise, “Really?”

Although this news had made Wan’er happy, Fan Xian knew that his forceful words earlier had still hurt her. However, for Sisi and the child in her belly, he had to say these things ahead of time. At this time, he gently let out a sigh. He indeed have some unhappiness in his heart that he needed to let out. Additionally, in his previous life, Sir Jing had once had Xiao Bao use this trick in “The Deer and the Cauldron.” It was never fun to deal with women.

As expected, Wan’er saw his heavy expression and immediately waved aside the hidden bitterness in her heart and asked with concern, “What’s wrong?”

“As you saw earlier, after learning that Sisi was with child, I was not very happy...instead, I was a bit scared...” Fan Xian lowered his head as if he wanted to find support and comfort for his heart inside his wife’s body.

“Actually, there are a few reasons.”

The first reason was he was worried that Wan’er would be hurt by this. This reason had already been slightly raised earlier. As for the second reason, it was actually very simple.

“I am someone without a father,” Fan Xian smiled slightly and said. “Although I have a father, even two fathers, when I was in Danzhou, I didn’t have a single one. Furthermore, the real one seemed to have never been my father.”

It was an awkward sentence but Wan’er understood. She glanced around warily to check that these words had not been heard by others.

“Father is very good to me, but you understand, this is a different matter altogether. As for the one in the Palace...after coming to Jingdou from Danzhou, I have come to understand him thoroughly. Even the Crown Prince and the Second prince are herded like donkeys, much less myself the illegitimate child.”

“I am someone without a father.” Fan Xian repeated with more emphasis. “So, I am very afraid that I don’t know how to be a father. Thus, my first reaction was fear and unease.”

In his previous life, Fan Xian didn’t have parents. He also didn’t have parents in this life. What’s even more tragic was that in his previous life it was god who was a good-for-nothing, while in this life it was his parents. In the depths of his heart, he felt that his mother had done very poorly in educating her child, which made him very sad.

He was lacking in this area during the development of both of his lives, and it had cast a great shadow over his heart. Perhaps it was difficult to notice usually, but now, the happy news in the Fan manor had called out all the darkness inside of him. Involuntarily, he refused to admit that he was about to become a father.

Lin Wan’er looked at him with tenderness all over her face.

“My mother also didn’t love me,” Fan Xian said woodenly. “Perhaps you won’t believe me, but...she truly didn’t love me.”

Unable to love or did not love? Everyone in the world thought that Ye Qingmei was Fan Xian’s mother. Only he knew that after being reborn into this world, he only had a sense of curiosity and an unnamed emotion toward that distant woman. However, as he gradually grew up, the people around him talked endlessly about the once dazzling woman. The events around him narrated endlessly about that woman’s past, and the traces around him reminded Fan Xian endlessly of that woman’s existence.

Over time, Fan Xian, who had not received a mother’s love in his previous life, finally became used to this and gradually began to accept that his mother was Ye Qingmei and began to miss this name. Perhaps the two souls of the two lonely time-travelers became connected by the strongest of all bonds, that of a mother and her child.

He confirmed this point and had even personally said these words in front of Xiao En in the cave in Xi Mountain in Northern Qi.

However, after reading the letter in the chest and learning about many of the stories in the past, Fan Xian had to tell himself that Ye Qingmei did not love him. He wasn’t talking about his soul in a different world, rather, she didn’t have much love for her flesh and blood son. He had inherited Ye Qingmei’s Overwatch Council, Palace Treasury, the Qingyu Hall, her cold connections, and her close comrades. But, she had not purposely left these to him. Furthermore, even if she had, so what?

“My mother did not love me,” Fan Xian calmly said. “Otherwise, she wouldn’t have left me behind.”

Lin Wan’er wanted to comfort him since he was so despondent, but she didn’t know where to start. Having grown up in the Palace from a young age, she was familiar with the dazzling figure of her long-passed mother-in-law.

“It is not just because of this.” Fan Xian furrowed his brows in thought. When the chest had been opened, he had been disappointed because the letter had been left for Uncle Wu Zhu and not him. The contents of the letter, in particular, had disappointed him more.

“She referred to me as a rascal son,” he smiled slightly and said. “Furthermore, she did not leave a single word for me...she just left.”

“This kind of indifference and calm seem cold to the absurd.” Fan Xian furrowed his brows and thought of his romantic past and felt that perhaps his birth had been an absurd matter.

He continued to speak. Wan’er felt her heart chill as she listened.

“She didn’t tell me how to survive in this dangerous world. She didn’t tell me just who was worth trusting. She didn’t tell me how to eat or how to treasure my wife.”

Fan Xian laughed. “She had a great love for the people of the world, but she had little concern for her own child. Isn’t that very abusive? Probably only such a scumbag mother could have had such a scumbag son like me.”

Having said this, Fan Xian began to cough gently. Wan’er got down from his lap and thumped steadily on his back.

Fan Xian waved his hand and smiled. “It was a close call. Fortunately, there was father...” he pointed toward the front of the manor, “and grandmother, and those two strange old men. Otherwise, who knows what my life would be like?”

Fan Xian was always a very self-restrained and cautious person. It was rare for him to be as emotional as he was now. Lin Wan’er could find no place to interject. Seeing him gradually leaving behind the hurt, she smiled at him and listened to him monologue his thoughts.

“Listen to me sing,” Fan Xian suddenly said very seriously.

Lin Wan’er nodded, a bit curious as to what kind of vulgar song could a man sing?

Fan Xian opened his lips and sang. His voice was clear with a hint of pain. His voice was not very good, but this song was particularly sad and also had a hint of hope. It was like a child waiting eagerly for the return of their mother below the eaves after the rain. It was like a white-clothed child floating around buffeted by the wind and rain below the eaves. It was not powerful, but it was led by that line. It contained unspeakable sorrow, yet it gazed hopefully into the distance.

The song ended.

“What does it mean?”

Fan Xian sang in a language Lin Wan’er had never heard before. The pronunciation of the words were very strange.

“The meaning of the lyrics are very simple, roughly speaking it is...

“Mother, are you well

Yesterday, I was on the branch of a tree

And saw a brightly shining star

The star gazed at me

Like you, mother, very warmly

I said to the star

You have to be able to endure setbacks

After all, you’re a boy

If you feel lonely

I will come to talk to you

Perhaps, one day

Then we’ll leave it like this, I await your reply

Mother

Yi Xiu

Yi Xiu

“Mother, are you well

Yesterday, the cat in the temple

Was taken away by the villagers nearby

The little kitten cried

And held tightly to the mother cat

I said

Don’t cry

You won’t be lonely

You’re a boy, right?

You will see your mother again

There will be a day, for sure

Then we’ll leave it like this, I await your reply

Mother

Yi Xiu

Yi Xiu.”

Fan Xian smiled and looked at Wan’er, whose eyes were already rimmed with red, and said, “Does it sound nice?”

Wan’er made a noise of agreement and said, “Is Yi Xiu the child writing the letter? So pitiful.”

“Yes, a very clever but pitiful child who could not live with his mother,” Fan Xian smiled and said. “Very like me...except, after he writes a letter, he can address it and send it. Where can I send the letters after I write them?”

“What is this song called?”

“Mother.”

...

...

In his silent bedroom, using the faint daylight spilling in through the window, Fan Xian took out a key and gently opened the outermost layer of the long black chest. He then pressed down a few times with steady fingers. He suddenly began to miss Uncle Wu Zhu.

Slowly, he took out the metal ware on top and thin letter. Fan Xian didn’t give it another glance because he was already too familiar with the contents of the letter.

He only trained his gaze on the slip of paper on the third level, the piece of paper that seemed like it could be blown away at any moment. On the paper was Ye Qingmei’s straight handwriting.

“Hey! If it’s Wu Zhu...tell me honestly, who are you?”

Just like that night in the rain, Fan Xian’s lips moved slightly and said, “I am your son.”

“How did you open this chest?”

“I guess that if you’re not my daughter, you are my son. Look at the stuff below when you’ve made a life. Remember!”

He opened the third level and took out the object from inside. He looked at the words on it and couldn’t help but laugh bitterly. Talking to himself, he said, “It is indeed abortion medicine. I say, mother...can your spoofs be a bit more creative?”

He was silent in the room for a long time and then raised his head. With a confident smile, he said to the chest seriously, “Mother, I’ve made a life but I won’t use this. You’re used to treating everything as a joke. You ridiculously left me but I am not the same. I will try my best to live on in this world. As for my son or daughter...please, believe me, I will look after them very well. At least, I will do better than you.”

[JW1] The characters here sound the same as the Chinese word for “ultrasound”

Fan Xian is using a modern term that the two women are not familiar with.